I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
ron's 8" boning knife is for sale. oh and it comes with a flavor injector.
High?
hahahahaha turkey breast
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Randomize
