maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Randomize
