This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
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