Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
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