sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Randomize
