went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
Randomize
