The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
