I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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