I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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