Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
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