It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
