You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
Randomize
