I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
