It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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