I want to walk on stilts...naked
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
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