that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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