I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
