just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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