I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize
