Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Randomize
