Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
So yes it WAS her period, NOT a nose bleed.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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