I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
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