this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
