Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
