omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
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