checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Randomize
