I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
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