I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
Randomize
