Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
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