my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Randomize
