insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
