Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
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