I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
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