Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
i love accidental penises.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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