hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
Randomize
