How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
And that's when I found out that Patrick wasn't in fact down with O.P.P.
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
You pole danced in your parka.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
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