You made me cry and you don't even care
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
For sure. We should see if we can get Mike to pay for one, and have a triple kegger... :o==& (that's future me projectile vomiting. i try to be goal oriented)
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
Randomize
