a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
The way I see it, if i don't fail the midterm and blow off some of the projects, how else am I going to get motivated to study for the final ?
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Randomize
