On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
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