Hehe I wanna Australian kiss.. Its like a French kiss but down under ;)
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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