I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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