Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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