My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
I just want to make out with him forever
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
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