I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Randomize
