Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Randomize
