one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Randomize
