All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Randomize
