Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
