I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
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