Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
