Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
Randomize
